Trust me, That Ain't Puddin'
by Jynx Tsilevon
Summary: Vincent's Turk Days. If Vincent were to get his early revenge against Hojo, how would he do it? Written just for fun.


**A/N:** Just a funny little story that I wrote about Vincent's Turk Days. Plenty of OCs. None of this is really supposed to be serious... Flames, reviews, ideas welcome!

Co-authored by Sno Italever.

**Disclaimer:** NOT MINE NOT MINE DON'T SUE ME IT'S NOT MINE. (Well, the story is...)

* * *

Trust Me, That Ain't Puddin'!

Samuel Tuesti walked slowly down the hallway of the main building of the Shinra Manufacturing Company (What would later be known as the Shin-ra Electric Power Company). He was heading to a meeting with President Shinra and a few members of the Science Department, including Grimoire Valentine and Professor Gast. Lost in thought as he walked down to the Science Department, he almost ran into a ladder. And its blue-clad occupant.

"Please step around the ladder!" Came a voice. Samuel looked up and replied to the comment with a confused look on his face.

"Mr. Valentine, what are you doing up there?" he asked.

"Absolutely nothing at all, Mr. Tuesti. So tell me, how's your son, Reeve?"

"Vincent Valentine, I know better than to believe that. And don't try to change subjects on me…" Samuel alleged, crossing his arms. "But Reeve is fine, by the way." Vincent peeked out from where he was working in the ceiling.

"Ok, I can't tell you what I'm doing, Mr. Tuesti. But I can tell you not to be in the Science Department at 3 p.m. today," Vincent said, grinning like the mischievous boy he was. Even though he was one of the Shinra Company's best Turk and by far the best marksman, Vincent could be seen acting like a kid more than one would think by his regal appearance. But, as many said, he got that from Grimoire.

"Alright…I take your word for it, Vince. But if anyone gets hurt…" Samuel started.

"If anyone gets hurt, then you won't care who it is…" Vincent replied, going back to work.

"Is that my son up there?" Grimoire accused, coming down the hall and meeting up with Samuel.

"Hey Dad, aren't you late?" Vincent mused, laughing slightly. Weather it was because of what he was planning to do or just because he felt like laughing, Samuel would never know.

"Touché, Son. Touché. Don't get hurt, alright?" his father warned, "I don't want to lose you like your mom." Vincent gave Grimoire a thumbs up sign and went right back to work. Samuel and Grimoire took their leave then and headed toward the meeting room.

About five minutes later, Professor Gast and his assistant, Lucrecia Crescent, came up the hallway. Purposely knocking into the ladder, Gast smiled.

"Well well well! A Turk in a Tree?" he inquired, arms crossed like Samuel's had been only moments before.

"Déjà vu," replied Vincent, "Don't be in this department at three, Professor." Gast smiled and nodded. He then started walking toward the meeting room, obviously expecting Lucrecia to follow.

"The pipe you're looking for is a foot and a half to your left, Sir," Lucrecia said, smiling sweetly, though what she was implying wasn't sweet at all.

"Huh? Oh, thanks, Ms…."

"Crescent, Sir."

"Thanks, Ms. Crescent, then."

"You're welcome…" she replied, heading down the hall. Vincent took that moment to steal a look at her. Deciding she was pretty cute, he saved the name in his head to look up her first name later. He then finished his work.

At three o' clock in the afternoon, Samuel Tuesti, Grimoire Valentine, Professor Gast, Lucrecia, and Captain Takota Highwind stood right outside the Science Department doors. Samuel had explained to Captain Highwind what Vincent had been doing earlier that day and Highwind had practically jumped at the chance to watch. It was true that none of them had any idea of what the Young Turk was planning, but that just made everything more suspenseful.

"Wonder what that kid's gonna do…" Highwind muttered, looking around, "He's late, which ain't normal…" Right after he said that, though, the fire alarm went off.

"What the?" Gast said, looking through the glass doors. Inside, there was no sign of any type of fire, but something was raining from the ceiling. And it wasn't water, let me tell you.

"Hey, it's raining pudding from the ceiling in the Science Department!" one scientist yelled.

"No, that's fudge…" someone else said.

"That ain't puddin'!" Takota yelled over all of them. Suddenly, a horrid, retched smell reached to noses of all of those watching.

"Guess he found the right pipe…" Lucrecia said, scrunching up her nose in disgust. The men looked at her for a moment, but didn't have time to say anything. Because, at that moment, Vincent Valentine and Zel, a fellow Turk, ran into the hallway.

"What's going on, here?" Vincent asked, as if he were investigating a crime instead of a prank he'd set that morning.

"What's goin' on? You're plan worked, Vince!" Takota said, shrugging.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Zel, Vincent's partner in crime, said, smiling as if he did indeed know what Highwind was talking about. "Vincent was on a mission with me this morning. We just got back when the fire alarm went off." But, before anyone could say anything, though, a loud yell came from inside the Science Department. And Samuel Tuesti learned why Vincent had said "If anyone gets hurt, then you won't care who it is…"

"VINCENT VALENTINE!" Bellowed the voice. The yell was followed by a coughing fit, as if the person who was angry had suddenly swallowed a mouth full of what was raining from the ceiling. Finally, everyone could see who exactly was stuck in the muck, so to speak.

"VINCENT!" the man bellowed again, "THIS HAS YOU WRITTEN ALL OVER IT!"

"Professor Hojo?" Vincent inquired, squinting. And he was right. Standing right behind the doors was the outline of Shinra's Craziest Scientist, Professor Hojo. He did not look happy…well, by the sound of it. Because whatever was raining from the ceiling well…had completely cover him from head to toe.

"Don't talk as if you don't know who I am, boy!" Hojo exclaimed, voice not lowered at all. He walked out into the hallway, bringing more of the loathsome smell with him. "What did you do?!"

"That's Hojo?" Professor Gast questioned, raising one eyebrow, "No way!"

"Holy Shit!" Takota shouted. And that's pretty much exactly what it was. Someone had ingeniously set it up so that when the fire alarm went off (Or was pulled) it rained sewage instead of water. Furthermore, they planed it perfectly so that the only one who was caught in it was Hojo.

Vincent's face changed from calm and collected to a mix between disgust and pure entertainment. Zel's looked about the same.

"Professor, I'm sorry this happened to you," Vincent stated modestly. He reached out to put a reassuring hand on Hojo's shoulder but wisely thought against it. "Zel and I will investigate and catch who did this."

"You aren't at all sorry! You did this!" Hojo countered, stomping his feet on the ground like a three year old who was having a temper tantrum. Some of the 'mysterious substance' flew off of his feet and hit Grimoire square in the face.

"HOJO!" he roared, whipping the stuff off his face before regaining some pertinence. "I suggest you don't come back to work until you take a shower…"

"Or four…" Lucrecia muttered to herself. No one heard her, though. Hojo just stood there and took off his glasses, so he could somewhat see. Takota smirked and walked over to him.

"Ya know what, Hojo? I'm gonna help ya," he said.

"What?!" Both Hojo and Vincent exclaimed at the same time.

"Yup!" the Captain replied, "First ya gotta get outa those clothes. I would say strip here, but there are ladies present, and I'd hate to embarrass them. "

"Yeah, God forbid Zel sees anything," Vincent said, smirking.

"HEY!"

"Now go get a shower and meet me, Vince, and Zel at the ship dock in a half an hour. And you better show up, gots it?" he finished. Hojo cringed but nodded.

Half an hour later, Hojo walked desolately onto the ship dock. He saw that, to his dismay, Vincent, Zel, and Ship Captain Highwind were already there. The Captain waved him over, so he went.

"Ok, let's go!" Zel said, impatiently. He and Vincent the boarded the Highwind, Takota's self named ship. Cid, the Captain's son, ran off at the same time.

"What smells like an outhouse?" Cid asked, looking around the dock.

"That'd be Hojo!" Zel yelled back. Cid plugged his nose and ran past Hojo.

"Jezze! Take a shower, why don't ya? You'll kill us all!" he said, running off toward a group of builders who where holding their breath and trying not to laugh. Before Hojo could give the smart-alecky kid a piece of his mind, Takota grasping him by the shoulder and heaving him onto the ship.

"Kids these days…" he said, grinning. "Alright, let's take off!" With that, Hojo knew he was ensnared. Vincent stood looking out the huge windows while Zel helped the crew fly the enormous ship. Hojo found it fascinating that something so heavy could fly through the air, but he would never tell anyone, of course. It would devastate his reputation.

After what seemed like an never ending span of time, Captain Highwind walked over and slapped Hojo in the back. Hard.

"Ye ain't 'fraid of heights, are ya?" he asked.

"No, why?" Hojo retorted.

"No reason, follow me," Highwind said, grinning menacingly and leading Hojo out of the room, having turned the wheel over to Zel. As soon as he gave the signal using a walkie-talkie, Vincent turned to Zel.

"Fly like you're a newbie, Zel," he grinned.

"Righto, Vince!" Zel cheered, turning the wheel sharply to the right. Everyone was thrown from their chairs. Zel kept driving like that for five minutes, until Hojo ran back onto the control deck.  
"Are you out of your mind?!" Hojo screamed. He was stark white and shaking. Turns out, the Captain had taken him the open deck right below them. So, the Professor had just had a near-death experience. Poor guy…(NOT!)

"Oy, I think we lost more than just the smell on that last turn," Takota declared, "Some poor guy's gonna get today's lunch penguin style. Hopefully no one's looking up. Vomit in the eye hurts…" Hojo cringed as Zel started laughing.

"Land, you maniac!" he ordered, "I want off!"

"Demanding…" Zel replied in a cocky tone, before starting the descent of the ship. Within a few moments, Hojo was sure they had landed.

"Well, now that this crazy train has stopped, thank you for nothing…" he said, walking stately out of the ship…

And straight into the ocean. There was a satisfying _plop!_ that followed.

"You're welcome!" Zel yelled. They had landed…right on the edge of the vast ocean that separated the two main continents. And Hojo had fallen right in.

"Don't just stand there….." Hojo said, between drowning, "PULL ME IN!" Vincent and Zel stood there dumbly for a few minutes, watching him struggle before deciding to play heroes. The jumped in and pulled the struggling scientist to shore.

"What? Can't swim?" Vincent asked.

"NO!" Hojo shrieked. Zel coughed, as if trying not to laugh.

"Oh, no! Yer all wet now, Hojo! Vince, why don't you help dry him off…" Captain Takota said, walking out of the ship and pointing to a conveniently placed motorcycle. Sitting next to it was an office chair with wheels and a heavy duty chain.

"Okay!" Vincent said gleefully. Hojo looked horrified.

"No, it's ok. I-I'll dry myself off, thanks…" But these people didn't take no for an answer. Hojo soon found himself chained to the office chair, the end of the chain attached to the back of his worst enemy's motorcycle.

"Have mercy…" he whispered as Vincent floored it. Trust me, you would have never heard a man scream so loud and so girly in your life.

"STOP! STOP! IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND PURE PLEASE STOP!" Hojo pleaded at the top of his lugs. He was being pelted by everything: dirt, gravel, _bugs_, you name it. But Vincent didn't stop.

"PLEASE!"

"Okay then, you asked for it," Vincent muttered, slamming on the brakes. This is where Newton's First Law of Motion applies, folks. Objects in motion stay in motion unless acted upon by an outside force. In other words, Hojo in motion stays in motion until he hits the guard rail of a highway. Then he hangs for his life.

"PULL ME UP! PULL ME UP!" Hojo screamed. To his surprise, he saw Takota, Zel, and Vincent start to pull him up by the broken chain. Thinking for a minute, and adding the fact that they were all grinning, he changed his mind. "Let me fall…LET ME FALL!"

So they did.

And that was the end of…

"VINCENT! WAKE UP! WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE!" Zel yelled. Vincent jumped out of bed, so wrapped up in his dream that he slept right though his alarm.

"Darn! We have a progress meeting today, don't we?" Vincent yawned, hurriedly getting dressed. Zel nodded, waiting at the door.

"Go on, I'll catch up." Zel nodded again, taking off down the hall to meet explain to President Shinra why two of the Turks were late. Vincent finished getting ready and followed suite.

He passed wearily by the Science Department, passing the fire alarm with out much interest. He was so oblivious to the world that he almost ran into a female scientist trying to enter the Department through the glass doors. Vincent stopped, recognizing her from his dream.

"You don't want to go in there, Dr. Crescent," he said.

"Huh? Why?" she replied, looking confused. Vincent noticed she was wearing her I-D tag, so she probably wasn't confused on how he knew her name.

"Well…" Vincent said, backing up two feet and pulling the fire alarm, "That's why…" The sprinklers in the Science Department went off. Lucrecia looked shocked but Vincent didn't stay around long enough to see what she did. In stead, he ran off to the meeting he was already late for, smiling the whole way there.


End file.
